It’s Monday, the start of the week and I’m going to do something new. Whereas in the past, I’ve used this blog as a means to only connect with people for The Appetizer (hence the title), I want to do more than that. In doing so, I’m going to open up about more than music, food, and entertainment. I’m going to be honest. So here’s some insight into me.
I’ve spent a lot of time being afraid. It’s not healthy. I think most of us are afraid of somethings that we fight against most of our lives. Maybe it’s fear of getting fat and overweight, fear of heights, fear of failure (me), fear of being mediocre (also me), fear of snakes (me again), etc. I’m not talking about being afraid of the boogie man, although for the sake of this topic, these fears could look like a boogie man. But finding a man or woman without any fear is a real rarity, because we’re conditioned in many ways to be paranoid of wrong things happening to us, and we spend a great deal of upbringing trying to hold tight to what we have in thinking someone else might try to steal it (or maybe that’s just me).
About 8 years ago, I faced a lot of my fears. Most of them had to do with how I approached other people. I was very afraid of confronting people, especially if they were in the wrong. I don’t really remember what the specific issue was that made me so timid, but I would let people take advantage of me or be in the wrong and not do anything to defend myself. I faced that fear and it hasn’t been a problem since. In doing so, I thought I’d conquered most of the things I was afraid of. On the contrary, that was me winning round 2 (round one was the ongoing loses of bowing to fear). There were other rounds to fight.
I spent some time by myself last week, something I rarely do. I don’t spend time with myself, and I don’t spend time with God. I used to do both more often. I haven’t done so because I think I’ll be bored just sitting there, talking or thinking. And I usually am bored if I’m not engaged in something, so my mind tends to wonder. But this time with myself and God last week wasn’t boring. It was a discover process. And what did I discover? That I’m still afraid of a lot of stuff. Basically all of life can be broken down to a response to people, situations, events, and so forth out of either fear or love. I’ve chosen fear most of the time. I wasn’t aware of it (my choice of fear), but becoming aware of it was eye-opening. I’m choosing to live differently now.
I communicate a lot with analogies, or comparisons to different things in movies. That period of time 8 years ago made me think a lot of Rocky 3. Rocky thinks things are great and he’s invincible. Then he fights Clubber Lang. Clubber beats him from corner to corner and knocks him out. He agrees to rematch, but the whole time he’s training, he’s remembering with terror the beat down he received at Clubber’s hand. After an inspiring talk with Adrian, he is willing to face his fears and climb back in the ring against Lang. I faced some lifelong fears 8 years back and thought I’d conquered them all. But really it was me willing to face the fears. The real battle is everyday. And I have to choose to get back in the ring and face Lang again and again. That’s just the honest truth.